I've said it to a few, that september is really the month where the medicine balls of commitment get chucked into the sky, and the great juggling game begins. I know I will drop atleast one of the balls - as I never had much hand eye co-ordination, but it's really a question of when, not if. Juggling is tiring, dropping is painful (they are heavy after all), and it's all a game of weighing relatives. Today, a man told me that he would not want to be in 50 years - because if I'm juggling this much now, can you imagine what it'll be like then (and I sit there holding back tears). I'm so damn tired of figuring it all out. My head is heavy from watching balls circle above me.
I'm done with hiding behind the guise of figuring out 'what God wants me to do' - we both know that's only legitimizing your own desires.
I want the river. I want what comes through and rips trees out from their 30 year old roots - tossing them like they were nothing
I want the river. I want what is red, and permanently stains all that existed before it.
I want the river. I want that which cannot be shapped by small boulders, I wan that which cracks rocks, and defies thousand year traditions.
That it would come and knock me off my feet. Knock this church, this social circle, this half assed concept of community - or rather this half assed attempt for us humans to run in circles trying to figure out what it means. We're too damn clever.
I want a dingy big enough that people could hop in, when they see the fun I'm having (this is obviously not at this moment, but once this so called river comes).
I want not to think of 'how to pray', which is really the christian way of spiritualizing our means of risk management (God, give me the wisdom to know how to phrase "I don't want to do this" in a way that will cause Susies heart to realize......)
I want to need only to be still. I want to watch as it comes, and to blow up my dingy and ride along - maybe with a softdrink or two to make the trip more enjoyable.
Because the long and short of it is - I don't know what I want.
unedited. don't shoot.