Tuesday, April 22, 2008

not yer morning reading material

Hey Jesus, are you still feeling sad? or will you come down from the cross to play?

Jeff's theology (right now)
Faith is a bitch. We must start here. If we start here, then perhaps everything else will make sense. If we start from a perspective that faith is easy, faith is glorious, faith is amazing - ultimately we will fall hard on our face (or we should, because dammit everybody else did). When I say faith is a bitch, what do I mean? perhaps more appropriately, it's that hope is a bitch. Faith, hope - hmm what else can I throw in there?
Today, in a response to a caring individual who was wondering why I hadn't brought 'my condition' before the congregation, for prayer etc. I had a moment of clarity.
Why hadn't I stuck it on the mass prayer chain? This week was the first that I had really requested prayer to anyone in a while - so why not a whole body surely more people = more power. At least that's what the prophets of Baal thought. And that's where it is at. Standing on the mountain, dancing, repeating a line over and over, crying, prostrating, getting whole teams to do it with me - will that convince the maker of heaven and earth to set fire to the calf?
Will 400 voices twist the mighty arm? Is it possible that God just doesn't want/need to do anything here? That this is just business as usual - people get sick, people die all the time - how much time is wasted in prayer meetings that could be lived. Why am I a special case? Do I believe God can heal me? Absolutely. Do I believe that 400 people praying is going to make that a reality? Not really. Do I realize what I'm saying? Maybe.
After her husband disappears, she is left, a complete wreck, alone, isolated and afraid of everything. Shocked and confused she doesn't touch the items in the house, hoping that when he returns it will all be as it once was. A month or so passes the wallet that sits in the entrance is gathering dust, the food in the fridge has all gone moldy, the half a can of beer, totally flat. She goes into panic, carefully sealing each item in ziplock bags, trying to preserve forever the memory of what once was. A year passes, she's moved on. Sort of. The "stuff" is all put away, the walls have a fresh coat of paint, new flooring and new sofa's. She has rediscovered her old friends. But the nights are still empty - and here her mind wanders. Faith picks up, but not faith in God - he ran off with her husband. She knows it's stupid, but goes to visit the psychic her friend recommended. Shelling out the $150, the psychic tells her just enough information to inspire hope that she could hear from her lover. That her lover would communicate like this. A week passes, she goes and visits again. This time it's $250 - it's a high demand industry. Again, the psychic stumbles around and then happens to say something that the widow can latch on to. While she's confused at why her husband would want to communicate through this woman, in this place, she continues to go back and back, each time a bit more hope, each time leaving a bit more empty - knowing she is getting ripped off.
And so I go for my umpteenth doctors visit - maybe this time I will hear the voice of my lover through a Doctor. At least it's not costing me anything but time.

don't quote me on this one.

Monday, April 21, 2008


slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled (habakkuk 2:3)
"Many people wear themselves out trying to fill a vision God didn't give them. So where did their visions come from? a) the most dominant influences in their lives b) their need to "prove" something to someone c) their unresolved issues
Abraham leaned his lesson the hard way. God promised him a son. But he got impatient worried about getting old, took bad advice and ended up fathering Ishmael.
Be careful; all your praying, planning and pushing wont turn the wrong road into the right road. Furethermore, God won't empower you to do what he put into somebody else's heart to do. That is why it's foolish to compare yourself to others. God didn't promise you what he gave them. You're unique. So is his plan. People who make this mistake end up with a sense of failure and frustration because they're constantly measuring themselves up by someone else's assignment. If you're not 'graced' to do it, you'll wear yourself and everybody else out."

Sunday, April 13, 2008

'Where does loneliness come from?
I mean, what's your own nature/nurture crapshoot? You're here. You're reading these words. Is this a coincidence? Maybe you think fate is only for others. Maybe you're ashamed to be reading about loneliness - maybe someone will catch you and then they'll know your secret stain. And then maybe you're not even very sure what loneliness is - that's common. We cripple our children for life by not telling them what loneliness is, all of its shades and tones and implications. When it clubs us on the head, usually just after we leave home, we're blindsided. We have no idea what hit us. We think we're diseased, schizoid, bipolar, monstrous and lacking in dietary chromium.It takes us until thirty to figure out what it was that sucked the joy from our youth, that made our brains shriek and burn on the inside, even while our exteriors made us seem as confident and bronzed as Quantas pilots.

-Douglas Copeland

Thursday, April 10, 2008


I dreamt I was in a jail cell, the bars, the cement floor, puddle of water in the corner, gross mattress in the back.
And it was the day I was to be executed. And I could remember thinking "I'm not ready", three months ago, when I came into this place, I was ready to die. But the past three months have been one big blurr and all of a sudden, I'm not ready.

I couldn't remember what got me into this jail in the first place, but I had a distinct memory of being let in, and going with a somewhat willful obedience. Not so much that I wanted the sentence that was served; but rather that I was prepared to accept it. It was the just sentence for the crime committed.

But now, three months later on the morning before my noon execution all I could feel was ripped off. A sense of disbelief almost that it had boiled down to this. I take that back, not a sense of disbelief, because that implies that I imagined something better, or different. I didn't imagine anything, I guess I just felt ripped off- that really, after everything was said and done, this was how it was going to end. The good I did in my life, serving in this, helping that, really was all washed out by this one massive crime, that three months later, on the morning of my noon execution, really didn't seem all that bad.

But in my dream I couldn't remember what the crime was. And that was what was so frustrating. Here I was going to die, and I didn't even know what I had done. This crime, was the big black ink that apparently stained so deep the only resolve was to throw the entire paper out.

And there I was, I saw it all vividly, three months later, and I was set to die. The jail warden was walking down the cell hall and I had no ability to escape. Done, I was finished - the transition that happened from being willing to die, to now was astonishing, hard to believe it.

Relief, I awoke. Drenched in sweat. Couldn't go back to bed, had a shower, ate and came to work.


Tuesday, April 8, 2008

can't handle the truth

sorry for reposting someone elses blog. but i think others are able to articulate much better in this state of verbal constipation that i seem to be in.
So I ask you, is truth and fact the same thing? That ought to make one stop and think a bit. I do not think they necessarily are. There are two things that separate truth from fact or make fact truth, the first is context, and the second is motive.

Contest is the tone, attitude and environment of the moment something was spoken or revealed. I have watched, and read articles that crucify some of my ministry friends These watchmen typically take facts out of context, then distort and twist the fact to make it seem like error and heresy and then label my friends as heretics. In this day of sound-bites and editing technology, one can make anyone say anything about any topic.

The famous quote of former President Clinton, “it depends on what your definition of ‘is’ ‘is’,” actually becomes the quintessential example of motive’s involvement with truth and fact. What said was fact, but it was not truth, why? Because it was being spun or inappropriately used to make it seem as if he was innocent of the charges.

Truth takes into consideration the hidden reasons why we say what we say. Fact only addresses the words that were said.

Why is this important? Because the Holy Spirit is not the spirit of fact – He is the Spirit of Truth. He knows the thoughts and intents of our heart. He know where we come from to get to where we are. He knows our life in Jesus is a process. To know Him is to know truth and truth sets us free. Fact on the other hand imprisons us and leads us astray.

To live a true, pure spiritual life, one must be able to differentiate between truth and fact. The Tree of the Knowledge of Good and evil contained the “fact” of good knowledge and evil knowledge. The Tree of Life was full of Truth

Friday, April 4, 2008


My wife nursed this little goldfish who had leprosy, back to life!
I mean, I think it had leprosy, I guess I've never really seen a leopard, ya know the people, not the animal; although I've never seen one of them either..
Anyway, it was a miracle,
Not like, you know, a Jesus miracle - more like a 'whoa that's freaky' kind of miracle...
I mean that. I really do.
Because hey if Jesus has enough time to nurse a goldfish back to health while 10's of 1000's of people are being hacked to death in timbucknowhere, then...we're fucked.

Sorry, I didn't mean to swear. No no, I didn't. I know you've asked me not to, and I don't want to be disrespectful...

ok well how about another song?

-expanded dialogue from David Bazan