Sunday, February 10, 2008

Give up pt. 2

I knelt and put my head on the bed and wished I could believe. I can't believe. Make me. I said,
I'm a bitch and a fake and I hate myself. I can't do anything of myself. Make me believe. I shut
my eyes tight, and I pressed my nails into the palms of my hand until I could feel nothing but the
pain, and I said, I will believe. Let him be alive, and I will believe. Give him a chance. Let him
have his happiness. Do this, and I'll believe. But that wasn't enough. It doesn't hurt to believe. So
I said, I love him and I'll do anything if You'll make him alive. I said very slowly, I'll give him up
forever, only let him be alive with a chance, and I pressed and pressed and I could feel the skin
break, and I said, people can love without seeing each other, can't they, they love You all their lives
without seeing You, and then he came in at the door, and he was alive, and I thought now the agony
of being without him starts, and I wished he was safely back dead again under the door.

This year for lent, I'm giving up

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